The Preacher’s Wife
By Luella Redfern
Several years ago I watched a Christmas movie directed by Penny Marshall, (Laverne of Laverne & Shirley 1979-1983) called “The Preacher’s Wife.” I loved this movie so much I purchased the DVD. I still watch it on occasion. It has become one of my favorite Christmas movies. The preacher is played by Courtney Vance and Whitney Huston plays his wife. Denzel Washington is a witty debonair angel sent by God.
With Christmas, right around the corner, this movie comes to mind. Let me share a little about it with you, just in case you haven’t watched it before. Rev. Henry Biggs is the pastor of a small struggling Baptist church in a poverty-stricken neighborhood of New York City. Membership is declining. The pastor is pulled in a hundred directions by his parishioners’ needs. The church’s finances are in trouble. The building is in need of repair and the furnace goes out and as in most small churches, there is no money. Pastor Henry is under intense pressure from a real estate developer to sell the church’s property. The developer wants to build luxury condominiums on the site. He uses all kinds of trickery to get the property. He even tries to get the building condemned by the city. The pastor is so busy with church business, he has been neglectful of his wife, Julia, and son Jeremiah. Julia worries that her marriage is failing. As the pastor is beginning to lose faith, unsure that he can make a difference in his parishioners' lives, he prays to God for help. As it does in the movies, his prayer was answered in the form of an angel, Dudley. Dudley tells Pastor Henry that he is an angel sent by God to help him. Of course, the pastor does not believe him. However, Julia was instantly charmed by the handsome angel.
With Christmas approaching, the pastor's schedule becomes increasingly burdensome. A single parishioner dies leaving her young son with no family. So on top of everything else, Pastor Henry has to find the boy a home. Dudley begins to spend most of his time with Julia and Jeremiah. Julia's mother, is suspicious of Dudley because she believes the newcomer will break up her daughter's marriage. Dudley and Julia go ice skating, and then later spend an evening in the jazz club where Julia once performed. Dudley is breaking all of the angel rules and Julia was having too much fun. Pastor Henry confronts Dudley. Dudley realizes that he is falling in love with Julia. So he turns his attention to the real estate developer and manages to disrupt his schemes to get Pastor Henry to sell the church. After a chain of events, Pastor Henry realizes that his family is the most important thing in his life, and he resolves to be a better husband and father. They also adopt the parishioner's son.
At the church's Christmas pageant, Pastor Henry delivers a sermon that he believes he has written. He finds his faith in God renewed and ties to his family restored. Dudley observes from the street, satisfied that his work is done. He erases all memories of himself from everyone he has met, and although he attends midnight service on Christmas Eve, no one recognizes him. However, Jeremiah, who has the faith of a child, still remembers Dudley and wishes him a merry Christmas. With his work done, Dudley gives the Biggs family a fully decorated Christmas tree as a gift and leaves. That’s how it happens in the movies.
This movie stuck with me because I’ve had so many of the same experiences as the character Julie had, even to the point of adopting a child through children services. There were times in the past that Bishop Redfern put the needs of the church, the community, and ex-members before us. People just expect that it was his “meaning” our responsibility to take care of their wants, time and time again. The late night calls, “I’m being evicted tomorrow morning.” The before dawn calls from someone we haven’t seen or heard from in ten years, “the police have locked up my son and he didn’t do anything. I need a thousand dollars for his bail.” And what does he do? He gets up and go.
Pastor’s wives are held to a higher measure of perfection just by default. Sadly this happens because the men we fell in love with and eventually married is a pastor. Or even worse, our ‘dream guy’ didn’t actually decide to answer God’s call to become a pastor until some years after our wedding day. Even though women have ‘come a long way, baby,’ for the most part, being married to a pastor or bishop means you fulfill the stereotypical image of being the perfect wife, the perfect mother and a perfect woman in general.” Your identity is First Lady or The Preacher’s Wife. What is so amazing about that is no one actually remember your name.
I spent many years experiencing so many things similar to Julia. Shelton was young. Our small church was located in the inner city of Columbia. Many of our parishioners had great needs. Not just at Christmas time but at all the time throughout the year. And, not much has changed. Today Bishop Redfern is still making sacrifices for people who use to be parishioners over 20 years ago. I am thankful that his service to others never takes the place of his love and dedication to his family.
I find it strange that pastors' wives are often some of the most admired women in the church, and yet we are often the most lonely. I have spent many years on a pew Sunday after Sunday and no one reaches out in friendship. I don’t know why but you begin to fill banished in painful loneliness amongst the crowd. Your husband is at their beck and call. Some days they love him, other days they hate him. Yet no one is here for you. Many people have shared their needs with me, however, I can’t think of one time that anyone has asked, is there anything I can do for you or what can I do for you? The other side of that is if you share that you are having some challenges, there is no confidentiality. They just can’t wait to run and tell somebody.
I think of a preachers wife as “One who loves a pure heart and who speaks with grace will have the king for a friend." Proverbs 22:11 (NIV). I don’t ever want to be stuck in the stereotype attached to a pastor’s wife. I want my love and loyalty to be accepted. I often think, what does a pastor’s wife most need is a friend. How can I accept that kind of friendship and how can I be that kind of friend? I can start by being free from expectations and free from self. I need friends who will let me be myself. A woman with my own identity separate from my husband and the church. The greatest gift one can give me is releasing me from their expectations of “The Preacher’s Wife,” understanding that pastor’s wives are not just women in fancy hats. We are real women with flaws, varying gifts, dust on their dresses, arguments with our husbands and a wide range of personalities just like many other women. If you want to be true, pure-hearted friends without ulterior motives, you need to affirm all our facets, cover our imperfections with love and encourage us to follow our passions rather than just expect us not to conform to a mold.
Some days, I just want it to be all about me, or at least that's how I act at times. In my selfishness sometimes I think, why do people want me to drop everything and cater to their needs. I hear, I’ve emailed her or texted her and she hasn’t responded or I can’t believe she just blew by me in the store and didn’t stop to talk. I am learning to give people space and hope they will give me the same respect.
As Pastors' wives we minister to the many people, carve out time for our husbands during their odd hours off, work, run our households, reach out to neighbors, care for our children and more. The list is unending. We need friends who are selfless, patient friends who give us grace instead of demand perfect performances.
We also have to refrain from gossip. I hate to admit it, but there's a part of me that longs to repeat confidences when I want to feel more important or in the know like I'm part of the inner circle. We have to overcome the desire to build up ourselves and to put others first by never, ever, gossiping. And you may say that’s easier said than done. My husband always says confidentiality is very important. It’s a deal breaker for pastor’s wives to be in the middle of the gossip mill. As my scripture verse from proverbs points out, good leaders delight in friendships with those who are in pure in heart and speak graciously. Indeed sincere, caring, kind and genuine relationships give life to those who lead.
In the midst of church life, we walk through all of life's joys and pain together with love and loyalty. It's what we as pastors' wives want in a friend. That's true friendship and a desire at the heart of every woman, pastor's wife or not.
As I reflect on my life as “The Preacher’s Wife” and now a Bishop’s wife, I thank God for all of the angels He has sent to help us. I am also thankful that Bishop Redfern has always afforded me the opportunity to be who I am. “Lord, help me to be truly a loyal friend to other pastor's wives, putting their needs above my own. Purify my heart and my words to be a joy and encouragement to all my friends. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." (NIV)
Job 16:20, "My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God ..." (NIV)
Ecclesiastes 4:10, "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." (NIV)